I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
