Umm I'm too high to move.
i think my tv is drunk
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize