I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
