Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
