I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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