If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
i think my cat just said my name.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
