This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
