i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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