I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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