I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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