Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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