Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Everyone says I win the strip club
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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