Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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