You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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