why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
