when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
