3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
