Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
