ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
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