you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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