I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
