Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize