I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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