seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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