My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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