I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
