I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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