I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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