I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
