Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
