Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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