i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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