Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
