Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
