I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
