I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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