Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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