when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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