We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
