Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
well I can't set my house on fire every night
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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