I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize