Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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