i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
