Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
