I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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