My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
