I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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