I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
