so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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