Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
