So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
